Modern Day Rule: Marriage / Family Operating Model.

people sitting on green grass

I have been curious after observing how a marriage works; a bond that is made to be function by two individuals. Individuals essentially means a person with his/her own opinion, perspective and ways of doing things. How can two individuals make it work?

So I had a long time thinking and observing how two can be fully functional and at what stage a certain decision has to be made, especially when both of the partners have their own career. After years of learning, I have come to the following (very fair, pretty ethical, and practical) approach. Or what I like to call;

The Modern Day Rule of a Marriage/Family Operating Model.

This should be valid for a couple that has committed to live their lives together, be it in a long term relationship and especially for marriage.

There is one true rule which I feel should be the default way of dealing with the decision to work, or to quit.

(A Very Fair) Rule of Thumb:

For cases where one earns more than the other, the decision on whether or not the lesser income partner need to continue working or to resign should be and only be made by the individual that is to resign.

It should not be a decision made by the bread-winner of the family. This is to ensure that we keep a fair, respectful and power-balance dynamic within the two. The bread-winner however can open up the discussion to suggest that, respectfully. Example:

“My dear, recently I realized that I have made enough to cover our family expenses. So, if there is by any chance that you feel you would like to be a stay-at-home mom/dad, do know that I am supportive of any of your decision.”

In the case that the individual has chosen to resign, the bread-winner shall ensure the resigned partner is compensated on a monthly basis, a salary (of half his/her last salary, or full of his/her last salary, or an amount mutually agreed).

The reason why the bread-winner is to match or at least agree upon an amount to be paid to the resigned partner on a monthly basis is to ensure the individual is given a personal freedom.

Otherwise, the resign partner will always have to request for permission or money which will then lead to unnecessary stress. This indirectly puts control that have not been there before, or never will be (should they choose continue to work), which may lead to resentment or even stress-induced diseases such as depression.

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Now moving on. We have 2 stages in a committed relationship; otherwise called Marriage.

Stage 1: Committed, without kids

The two individuals in this marriage can choose to let both of them to pursue their career, chase after their dreams, whether or not it involves living apart (such as being a weekend partner where you need to fly over the weekend to meet the other half).

That will then need to be managed between them; of what is acceptable and what is not; of how often is the visit; how is the cost management between them. It has to be mutually agreed upfront. Compromise will need to be a strong factor to make this long distance marriage to work.

Otherwise, the Rule of Thumb can be brought forward if neither of the two is willing to live apart.

Stage 2: Committed with kids

Essentially with current era, both of the individual in the marriage very much prefer to work. It is only fair if the chores within the household is equally shared between the two.

Better yet, if the children are of capable age, get them to start helping out early to teach them the lesson on life, cooperation, and living/working as a team player.

When it comes to bringing up the children, the Rule of Thumb is especially true. This is to ensure a healthy partner and a healthy parent for the children.

Once the children has reached the age of living apart; off to college or moved on as adults, the dynamic within the couple then recycle into Stage 1 again.

Ideal case after the children has grown up into adults with their own lives is when the couple will use this time to further bond and pursue their dreams together.

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Remember, sometimes our priorities changes with time and circumstances we are in. The ultimate goal is to be happy, better yet; to spend a lifetime of happiness, together. Never let anything ruins that goal. Keep it near to your heart and mind, always.

Now that is the modern day rule of a family/marriage. It is the current era’s working operating model.

I hope it helps you to foster better perspective on working on your relationship at hand. Let me know what you think?

– IC

Infinitely Curious is now on Instagram!

Curiously thinking whether I should have a Snapchat or an Instagram account for Infinitely Curious. I have finally decided to go for the latter.

The idea behind it is to share moments which have inspired me with my life journey being constantly curious, enticing you with gastronomical posts and whispering to you my ambitious goal to do a quick routine of leg lift, butt lift for 20reps per day to keep up with my foodie-guilty pleasure which I have to battle daily.

I think that is quite a wide range spectrum of things I want to talk to you about on my Instagram. But we all know it is a quick chat, while the deep conversations will still be going on through this site, aye?

So, what are you waiting for? Follow me at:

@infinitelycuriousme

Let me know when you come by!

Loyalty & Off the Grid

Many of us think Loyalty is a value that is important in life – especially for love, marriage, and all sort of relationship. Loyalty is something that grows within a relationship. Loyalty is a choice made by a person, consciously. This is true to love & marriage relationship, also just as much as it is true to branding & organization.

Loyalty is normally built from having a constant mutual benefits from something. Read the word; constant. A brand that has a good customer service, great quality of product usually has loyal followers. Just as much as a relationship where two people choose to nourish the relationship with constant attention and affection.

The extreme opposite of Loyalty, is betrayal. A consumer expected a certain level of care & attention from a brand when the product appears to be defective, where the customer service somehow did not meet their expectation, felt betrayed especially if it is a brand the consumer has supported for awhile. The same goes to two people in a relationship, that is when cheating comes into play.

Now to build my case and because I like the topic on ‘people’, let’s look into relationship. When we talk about loyalty in a relationship, it normally correlates to being off the grid. Off the grid, physically or emotionally. If you read the word constant just now, it is what affects the choice of a person to stay loyal or otherwise.

My question to Loyalty is; what factors actually affects a person to stay loyal, and what causes them to choose to be otherwise?

Now let’s put it into context, especially to fit the idea of this century where a lady and a gentleman both has a goal to pursue (most of the time career related). Say a couple who are living together named Kara & Hanson. Kara has a professional career which requires her to be outstation every 2 weeks in an isolated area, which means away from home while the other 2 weeks free from work and earns at least $9000 monthly. Hanson too has a professional career where it follows office hours 9-5, Mon-Fri and is seasonally time consuming which means working extra hours for own initiative of excellence in deliveries and he earns roughly $8000.

Unconventional relationship would be the new norm to our current generation. However the other question is, are the mindset of the people in our generation ready for unconventional relationship like this? Does it affect the loyalty aspect of it? Do gender play role in this? If we were to switch the person’s gender with the career requirement mentioned, would it give a different result to the relationship? If Hanson was in Kara’s role & vice versa, does loyalty be at the verge of jeopardy or it will be stronger instead?

Now, Kara being Off The Grid physically every 2 weeks, for loyalty to take the driver seat, both Kara & Hanson have to be constantly nurturing each other through the only mode they have, via technology. When Kara is back for 2 weeks completely free from work, she has to be understanding enough that it could be the busy season for Hanson.

How does Loyalty take driver’s seat? It goes that both of them have to compromise in terms of time & attention. Learn to understand the limitation is not them, it is the job or the circumstances they are in, which is temporary. They need to choose to focus on making it work. Instead of temporary or instant gratification outside of their relationship. Also knowing that they need to keep things alive, constantly even if it means they need to schedule a date together in a week or two, at least. Share the things they experience with each other on daily basis, instead of a colleague or someone outside. Keep their problems to be solved within their relationship, instead of dragging outsiders to help make the call – unless the third person is their relationship psychiatrist, no one should be influencing their decision making.

When one of the two choose to give up either one of the effort mentioned above, that’s when betrayal seeps in. Personally I feel the factor affecting it is definitely the circumstances they are presented with versus the personal choice. What do you think? Have you faced something similar? What did you do & what was the outcome?

Infinitely curious, IC.

Mutual Expectation

For my first curious post, I feel strongly impelled to talk about what I’m (and few of my other friends) facing. Mutual expectation, is it really mutual, or do you think our community still do have some unconscious bias in their mind? Or do you think it’s not all that and it’s purely individual? Now…

Do you believe that two people in a relationship (or which I take as life’s partnership), should have mutual expectation on each other? I want to be a bit more specific here; being understanding. In the current era, the case of both the lady and the gentleman working towards their own career goals/achievement is kind of a given. And when that happens, it is only natural that you expect the partner to be understanding when the grind gets tougher. In a sense that, there will be times where you won’t be able to be as attentive as you usually do.

So the question here is;

Is it okay for the partner to express if it gets beyond their limit? (To be fair, the limit is subjective from one person to another)

My take on this is that when you are in a relationship, you should be able to express how you feel (provided you do it respectfully – and what I meant by that is you let them know, in the most calm manner, solely on the intention to help them understand why & what you are facing), and you need to be mindful of your tone because it dictates if this is going to be a good discussion on finding the balance or ended up in an argument.

I personally have a believe that anything can be solved, as long as it is being lay on the table clearly, and both heads are on the page of wanting to resolve & work things out.

Other than that, do you agree with me if we put this as a mutual expectation, where if person A expect the partner to be understanding without actually expressing/communicating it to their partner about it, it is person A’s responsibility to return the favor if their partner reached to the same point. Example as such that person A is very busy & expect the partner not to bring it up and just be understanding about it. So when it is now the partner’s turn to be swamped with work, person A is expected to be as understanding as the partner did before.

Isn’t that what relationship is all about? Compromise, mutual understanding, making it work because both of you choose to.

Now my argument is this, what if person A does not return the favor when their partner’s busy period comes. What if it gets worse that person A choose to be in the “ignoring is bliss” mode without further explanation of what’s happening. How could you possibly deal with that? I’m very curious as to how you would work this out? If I have to suggest, based on what I would do about it (and have tried!), is to let person A to cool down & find a more calm period to bring this up for discussion. Let person A understands what situation you are in, and if required you can bring up the times where you have been understanding during person A occupied week.

I feel emotional maturity plays a big role here, you need both side to be emotionally matured. For any relationship to work out, honesty and respect take lead on this ship. Remember neither of us are a mind reader, so it helps to explain why and what you are facing. There is a quote I remember that fits well to this topic;

Those who matter, don’t mind and those who mind, don’t matter.

So, if it was to happen to you, how would you handle it….?

– IC