My heart sank. When my person said he can’t possibly see how we can work things out, to be each other’s forever. He is the one person I felt most at home, at ease, I can just be my own complete annoying/manja self with. And he adores it. He cares and even layan me for it. One that I know I can trust with anything, that loved me the way I want to be loved, that keeps me grounded and one I know I want to listen to and follow. Not a lot of men, I can feel respectful and believe to lead me but this person? He somehow has it.

So when he said that, I could not stop myself from crying and feeling angry that he gave up on us. I know we had so many things stacked against us, and I was working my way to work things internally to make this work as well. But it upsets me so much that he, chose to give up. When he was the one that convinced me he is in for the long haul; we’ll work things out, whatever you’re facing with me is what you’ll face with whoever you will/might be with. I trusted him, completely.

The most matured person I have ever met. One I trust and respect. I try all I can to shift my mindset, work what I need, see potential ways so I could move over and be with him, yet he has already checked out months ago. I understand I might have been at fault for not putting our discussion a priority considering I don’t have an actual private space to do that whilst living with my family, I wished he had insisted that we talk, demanded that, if we mattered to him, at all. I would have make time, I would have tried to even drive somewhere to a cafe or somewhere so we could talk, privately.

But he did not. He chose to let it “brood for months”, only to eventually tell me this is not gonna work out, without discussing and working on it prior to making such decision. It upsets me that it was so simply and easy for him to throw us away. Something I thought was precious and hard to find, to the both of us. Now making me question, maybe it was just me who valued this. Maybe we don’t mean that much to him? But I don’t want to believe that. I don’t.

I honestly, don’t know anymore. I don’t know what I can or will do. What I want or don’t want. For something to feel so special to me and to him, it can be let go of that easily without any work put into such a major decision. I guess, right now. I am just gonna let myself feel what I need to feel. Let myself grief. I want so much to leave this world and not deal with any of this anymore. But that choice is not in my hand. I just have to trust Allah now, for He knows best.